“Suck it up,” “be a man,” “stop being such a girl,” are phrases that we have all heard at some point in our lives. However, do we truly understand what they mean? The words “mental health” and “men” are rarely used in the same sentence, but do we think to wonder why that is? Is it because it’s not an issue? Is it just all in our heads? Are we stronger than that? The underlying truth is that our community has done very little to address such topics, due to the highly stigmatized presumption that surrounds mental health issues, especially amongst men. It is time we discuss the toxic masculinity that has plagued our community for generations.
The context of toxic masculinity has been seen time and time again, whether it is portrayed in the movies and tv shows we watch, the textbooks we read, or within our households. It affects our everyday lives, but we never attempt to address the topic, as it has become so embedded within the fabric of our culture. So what is toxic masculinity?
Toxic masculinity is defined as a set of behaviors and beliefs that include suppressing emotions, maintaining an appearance of toughness, not depending on others, or using violence as an indicator of power. While all of these behaviors may not be exhibited, it is important to note that if a man is not able to share his feelings and emotions with his loved ones, what outlet does he have?
When we teach our boys that they can’t express emotion openly; that they have to be “tough all the time”; that anything other than that makes them “feminine” or “weak”, they may be words of encouragement, but in hindsight, we are teaching them to bottle up their emotions, internalize grief and anger, and to not ask for help when they need it. These attributes of toxic masculinity are ingrained within Punjabi culture and have been carried over from generation to generation.
Kaabū is a mental health organization aimed to raise awareness and shape peer support for Punjabi communities while breaking the social stigmas of seeking help. Kaabū created a platform for individuals to anonymously submit their experiences with mental health and the issues they have faced. While submitting your name and email are optional, one of the required fields is gender. In the numerous submissions we have received, less than 10% are males. Why is there a discrepancy between males and females when it comes to submissions? Have we suppressed our voices and emotions to this extent, that even with complete anonymity, we feel shame or fear that we won’t be held to the same respect? The false perception we have is that many of us feel uncomfortable sharing our issues with our loved ones because we feel weak.
It is a common misconception that admitting a flaw shows weakness, and I believe that is where much of the toxic masculinity within our culture stems from. Punjab has been an agricultural hub for generations and many of our ancestors come from a farming background, in which the man of the house was the breadwinner. The breadwinner of a household is entrusted with so many responsibilities often that they want to maintain a strong persona so that their loved ones feel content and safe. If the man was to share emotions, it shows weakness in front of his family with the possibility of jeopardizing their stature within the household. Instead of sharing their stresses, emotions, and feelings with family or loved ones, they may resort to alcohol or drugs. Alcohol use by men is a very prevalent issue within many Punjabi households. It is a very possible reality that Punjabi men will use alcohol as an outlet to escape from the issues they are facing. This poses a risk to both their health as well as their loved ones, leading to violence, abuse, depression, anxiety, and greater overall psychological distress.
Another example can be seen in the increased suicide rate in Punjab amongst farmers. This has been a problem since the 1990s due to the inability to repay loans to banks and other creditors. Debt and financial burdens are a very large cause of depression and anxiety, but when you’re brought up in a culture that teaches men to internalize such emotions, what is your escape? You have no outlet to seek help, because of the fear of judgment, “not being man enough,” which results in many of our fathers, uncles, brothers, and sons to end their suffering.
As these traits of toxic masculinity have been passed down from one generation to the next, it has made its way to our households. We are told to toughen up, not cry, to suppress emotions, but how long before we implode? The outcomes of emotional restriction combined with the stigma to seek help or get treatment have led to a greater risk of physical and psychological health problems. But if we see such problems unfold in front of us, why do we do nothing about it? Is this so-called false representation of “masculinity” more important than our fathers and brothers resorting to substance abuse or suicide?
So, what can we do about it? We must redefine what masculinity means; normalizing vulnerability as a sign of strength rather than a sign of weakness. Every individual wants to feel respected, but we choose the wrong path in establishing that respect. It’s often times the false perception of how to attain that respect in which we succumb to our ego. Sikhi teaches us the concept of “maan neeva maat uchi,” which translates to “living in humility, but with high moral values.” It is our ego which gives us this perception that if we share our feeling and emotions, it makes us less of a “man,” but in reality, we should discard this ego to move towards a path of humbleness. Take a moment to think, by masking your emotions and not seeking help, are you improving your self-respect or are you succumbing to your ego? This is a concept which we can all incorporate in our lives regardless of gender or background.
It is important to bridge the existing gap in communication of feelings and emotions amongst men so that no one feels as if they have no one to speak to. Growing up, while we may have heard those phrases said to us as words of encouragement or to make us stronger, we must make it equally important to teach our sons that it is perfectly okay to discuss what is on their mind. We have seen these traits of toxic masculinity in all cultures especially our own. Now the question we are presented with is, will we carry these traits onto our future generations, or will we be the generation to spark change?
Parmveer Singh
Parmveer Singh is a 23 year old mechanical engineer working for the City of New York whilst attending graduate school. He is the founder of Kaabū, an organization aimed to raise awareness and shape peer support around mental health for Punjabi communities. Their mission encompasses education, advocacy, and support as mental health is a highly stigmatized topic in our community. Please be sure to check out the Kaabū instagram account, @kaabu__.
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