Disclaimer: This article is not research based but the opinion of the author.
Most of my family that belongs in the generation before me are immigrants. Their effort to start a new life in an unknown country is commendable and appreciated, but the standards and values they brought from India are not the same values I have grown up with here in America. Generally, what parents and their children prioritize often clash, leaving them to reconcile their own internal conflict- should they please their parents or should they do what makes them happy? For example, those in the generation before me, prioritize family reputation over individual happiness. Does your son have a high paying job? Is your son at the top of his class?
Do you even have a son?
As a result, boulders of pressure plummet onto our shoulders and we are left to deal with it. It seems as if we have to constantly prove to our parents that we are good enough, when in reality, we were enough from the start. From what I have witnessed in South Asia and Bollywood movies, it’s as if a family’s honor is degraded after being blessed with a daughter. All they see is a machine that obeys and reproduces. Women, from what I have witnessed, are limited in what they can do and are unable to fulfill their passion because of how heavily traditional Punjabi and Indian culture are weighed on their family. My favorite bollywood movie is the first that I have witnessed that is changing this trend. Dangal begins with a wrestling champion who is passionate about passing his wrestling skills to his sons. However, his wife had 2 daughters. The village around him constantly gossipped about how his skills will never be passed down to a son and there were times when they worshipped and performed rituals in order for his wife to produce a son. After putting these to practice, he ended up with four daughters and no son. It was disappointing to the father and to the village and he decided to let go of his dream. It was until a realization that he didn't need a son to fulfill his dream, he could have two of his eldest daughters work just as hard. Ever since, the daughters worked hard day and night to build their strength. At times, they felt attacked and discouraged to continue and fight for their fathers dream. But when attending their fourteen year old friends wedding, they realized that their father wasn’t the one that would throw their daughter away to a husband that will abuse them, but he was a father that actually cared about their wellbeing and strength as powerful women. This was a turning point for them and they decided to try their best and they became passionate wrestlers. This is a MUST WATCH and based on a true story! This movie is revolutionary to me because the father saw the worth in his daughters. Unfortunately, there are times where other women do not see their worth under similar standards in India.
From what I have experienced in the Punjabi Community, I have seen the pressure of western beauty standards everywhere. “Wow, your daughter’s skin is so fair” is a phrase that I have heard repeated throughout our culture. Is that what defines beauty? Our previous generation can’t comprehend that just because someone is darker than the “standard”, they are beautiful too! We are also shown Bollywood movies with actors who have “Fair & Lovely” skin tones and the indian definition of beauty. Even my non-punjabi friends tell me that “Those actors don’t even look Indian!” Are we just giving up our identity so that we can look like the westerners who colonized India a hundred years ago? The Fair & Lovely company promotes a bleaching cream for the skin so that they can make themselves more “beautiful” in the Indian standards. The cream advocates that women need to BLEACH their skin, which can be very harmful or even mutilating, in order to “fit in” and get the attention they crave. I have also noticed that the “villain” or antagonist in bollywood movies happens to be darker skinned, as if it symbolizes an evil entity. When will the previous generation realize that dark is beautiful? In fact, when I watched Indian Matchmaking (this might be a spoiler to some), the parents of the potential groom required women to be fair and tall and pretty and “slim and trim and educated.” But what about Ankita who was being harassed because she had more weight and a bit darker skin? She refused to feel like she was lesser than and she refused to change herself for the pleasure of others. Because of this, she was sidelined and not given much of a chance. The fact that women who don’t fit the standards of “Indian Beauty” are cut off, is debilitating to our mental health. We have to realize this by ourselves so that the generation after us won’t have to feel the same way we do.
We are just now getting comfortable with the fact that mental health exists. Women in previous generations, from my experience, are constantly objectified and feel like a shallow shell without worth or purpose. From what I’ve heard, the only way to deal with that was to suck it up, hold it in, and God forbid, if you spill your feelings, you and your family’s reputation will end up dead.
One factor in this idea is the way that some of our men are brought up. A number of men in the previous generation are grown up with the idea that their wife needs to cook, clean, and bear children while they are the breadwinners. Some men don’t feel like they should respect women more or lessen their dominance because of their own toxic masculinity. Instead of complaining about the previous generation, what can we do about this one? Feminism isn’t bad and it is almost exactly what Sikhi teaches us. In my definition of feminism, I believe that women are equal to men, and that both men and women can choose their role in society.
One shabad that resonates with me is from the Guru Granth Sahib Ji, written by Guru Nanak Dev Ji:
ਭੰਡਿ ਜੰਮੀਐ ਭੰਡਿ ਨਿੰਮੀਐ ਭੰਡਿ ਮੰਗਣੇ ਵੀਅਹੁ ॥
Bandh Jameeai Bandh NimiaeBandh Mangan Viaahu
ਭੰਡਹੁ ਹੋਵੇ ਦੋਸਤੀ ਭੰਡਹੁ ਵਲੈਤ ਰਾਹੁ ॥
Bandoh Hovai Dostee Bhandoh Chalae Raah
ਭੰਡਿੁ ਮੁਆ ਭੰਡੁ ਭਾਲੀਐ ਭੰਡਿ ਹੋਵੈ ਬੰਧਾਨੁ ॥
Bandh Muaa Bandh Bhaleeai Bandh Hovai Bandhaan
ਸੋ ਕਿਉ ਮੰਦਾ ਆਖੀਐ ਜਿਤੁ ਜੰਮਦਿਆਂ ਰਾਜਾਨ ॥
So Kio Mundaa Aakhiaae Jit Janmeeai Raajaan
From my understanding of this shabad, Guru Nanak Dev Ji was also a feminist who believed that women are equal to men. Guru Ji explains the immense power that women have. He says from a woman, a man is born and conceived and to a woman a man is married to. The woman becomes his friend and only from a woman can a generation be born. When a husband’s wife passes away, he finds another woman. To women, men are bound. So why do we call her bad? From her the kings are born. Additionally, Guru Nanak Dev Ji and other Guru’s spoke out against the Sati system where widows would be forced to burn themselves alive after their husbands died in order to “preserve their purity and modesty” many would say. On the other hand, males can remarry without repercussions. The fact that the Guru’s spoke out against this injustice proves that Guru Nanak Dev Ji enforces the idea of equality for ALL, man or woman, black or white, poor or rich.
But why are we against that in practice? We need to spread the idea of feminism, but also practice it with our hearts. We can only create social change if we also talk about toxic masculinity. Without addressing both, evolving into a more loving and equal environment will be much harder. We need to say that it is OK for men to express their feelings and be emotional and that it isn’t feminine-like, but rather human-like. We need to tell women that they can be strong and not be kept silent. Until then, our Kaurs are going to continue being demeaned by their husbands and others. The boulders that were put on our shoulders will slowly be lifted off. It’s just up to us on how we decide to act from now on: No, women don’t need to be docile. No, we are not used solely for pleasure. No, we are not ugly. No, we won’t suck it up. And yes, we are worth it.
Bhul Chuk Maaf,
Tavleen Kaur, 17, TX
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