Warning: This topic is a very taboo and mature topic in desi households and conversations. My writing is my own understanding of Kaam from my own research, it isn’t just me trying to say what is right and what is wrong. My hope in writing this is to start healthy and mature conversations around many different taboo topics.
Kaam has many different definitions. Kaam can be work, an idea or a desire but in the instance of the 5 vices or thieves, kaam is best translated to lust. It is this idea of an intense desire. You can have Kaam towards many things, for example: people, food, stuff, etc.
First I want to start off with what isn’t kaam. Kaam is not sex or sexual activity. Healthy consensual sex is normal but kaam is at the point where you cannot stop your desire. Sex is needed for procreation and can be for pleasure as well. Kaam is different because it clouds your judgment, kaam is uncontrolled. The real problem for many people is to distinguish what kaam is for themselves.
Sex is a taboo topic in many households which is why we aren’t able to have normal conversations about what Kaam is. When I was trying to research for my own knowledge, I came across many different things that described kaam so differently. The idea of uncontrolled lust was usually the same across each source but what that uncontrolled lust meant was totally different. I decided to listen to a Nanak Naam workshop on kaam which focused mostly on the Gurbani definition. What I understood from the video was that we need to find self-discipline and personal awareness within ourselves.
We live in a world where we follow rules all the time, whether they be laws, codes of conduct or social norms. We are used to having a certain right or wrong but what makes kaam so difficult is that there is no certain right or wrong. Kaam itself is one of the five thieves and Gurbani says that the five vices are what distract us from connecting with the guru; it is a drug to us and it is addicting. Kaam is wrong and should be removed but Kaam is difficult because it isn’t the same for each person. Yes, it is an uncontrolled desire but that desire is different for everyone and it requires self-discipline to identify it.
Looking back at the example of lusting for food, let’s say the food in this case is pizza. One day I really want some pizza. The idea pops into my head at school and now all I can think about is the pizza. In class, I can’t focus on my work because all my attention is focused on pizza. The thoughts of pizza cloud my judgment, and I am unable to focus on my school work. This is exactly what kaam does to us. Kaam causes us to lose focus on Waheguru and instead focus on a worldly idea or object. Kaam for everyone is different but it is the point at which we are distracted from Waheguru.
While doing my research I did learn some solutions on how to control our Kaam. The biggest one being Kaam is a thought that turns into action only if we want it to. We indulge in kaam when we label ourselves a certain type of person. If you look at yourself and say “this is just who I am”, it isn’t stopping kaam in any way. Instead, we need to change the way we look at ourselves; we should look at ourselves as a person who doesn’t indulge in these thoughts. It’s the same way as if you were once a meat-eater, and you order a burger you want to eat that burger; yet, if the next day you decide to become vegetarian, you refrain from that burger because you have given yourself a new identity. Again, kaam is only a thought. We can take time to understand these thoughts to understand where they stem from and to recognize our certain triggers.
My words do not give justice to the idea of Kaam, so please if you have the time in your day and would like to learn more, watch this workshop by Bhai Satpal Singh Ji.