I wanted to base this article around my experiences, so that others who I’m sure relate to my journey can see someone overcome these difficulties :)
As Sikhs, we are considered to be brave and courageous. We are taught to have no fear and no hate towards anything or anyone and we always stand for justice. Our Gurus teach us how to protect ourselves and protect those who couldn’t on their own. Personally, I see this mentality carry forward into everything I do, especially my sports. In sixth grade, I played basketball and later picked up volleyball in seventh grade. In my basketball season, I remember doing very well overall. I showed a lot of energy and I was sure that this was the sport that I wanted to continue. I was so pumped up, happy and confident. I didn’t care if people judged me when I was playing because my confidence was high. However, that changed ever since I made the seventh grade basketball and volleyball team.
When I saw that list outside the office, I could not believe my eyes! My name was there, amongst the other girls. I was positive that I didn’t have a place on the team because all the other girls had been playing for years on high level club teams, and it was only my second year with the sport. I knew I wasn’t the best one on the team. But, I didn’t give up. I was a happy, confident and fun loving girl, who loved to make jokes and try new things, and I didn’t want to lose that part of myself because I didn’t fit in with the girls. I tried my very best to fit in with the other girls and strike up a conversation or laugh at a couple jokes, but most of them wanted nothing to do with me. I became friends with another girl, who also didn’t have anything to do with most of the girls on the team, but she played very well. I kept on showing energy and trying my best, and my coach acknowledged that. I felt very happy to hear that and proud that my work was paying off, I felt that I had earned my place in the team.
However, that was not the case. As the first game rolled by, I cheered on my teammates and waited patiently for my turn. The minutes slipped by and I didn’t get a chance to play. I felt really bad about that but I kept on going. My seventh grade season went by similarly, with not a lot of playing time despite my effort in conditioning, but I was most worried about my eighth grade season. At first I told my parents that I didn’t want to play basketball, because I wanted to focus on only one sport, volleyball. They told me to play basketball for one more year and see how it went. I began to take classes and play for a local club and got better. All my coaches were impressed with the way I took off. I was determined to land a spot on the team. However, basketball in school was always a form of stress for me. I didn’t want to let my parents down or not make the team. Something I also feared was how rejection from the team would impact my interaction with my peers. I got it in my head that they would make fun of me or say rude things about me, even though that had never been the case. I was very competitive that way.
By the time eight grade basketball season had come along, I had become the captain of my school and club teams for volleyball. I was definitely riding off of a high, but somewhere in my heart, I knew that I wasn’t going to make the basketball team. I wouldn’t say I had depression or anxiety, because I didn’t have the symptoms of any of these issues to my understanding. I was stressed and worried to the point where sometimes I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was a long journey making the team- one week coach said I did, the next week he said I didn’t. I accepted that. I knew that my level of playing had not met the standard, but at least I had tried my best. Nevertheless, I was still devastated. I wrote him a short message saying that I accepted his decision and I hoped that the girls would do amazing in the upcoming season. He allowed me into the team because of that message and I felt very happy. A lot of the other girls didn’t like that. They went around school telling kids that I had “begged my way into the team” even after I showed them the message I had written.
I began to start thinking: is that really what they thought of me? I came to a conclusion that they were just trying to shatter my confidence, and in a way, they did. I never showed my self-doubt, but it was always there. I had a locker away from all the girls and liked to listen to music to calm myself down. Many times, I recited Gurbani and did Simran and I found that it made me relaxed. Before stepping out of the locker room, I always used to say to myself, “You are a Kaur, you are Guru Gobind Singh Ji’s daughter, and you are brave and strong! Chaak de Fathey!”
I grew to dislike the team so much and not want to play with them at all. This was a huge conflict with the values of our Guru Sahibs’. We do not hate anybody or anything, and I was struggling with the value of Nirvair and my experiences. There was only that one girl who was willing to partner with me and talk to me. We always had a lot of fun, despite the gloomy attitude of all the other girls. It was shocking to see my transformation from loving to not wanting to play the sport within two years. Every time I didn’t want to run or practice, I would come up with an “injury”. When you are wearing a cast, your coach tells you to take a rest, but who sees the battle inside your head? I still cheered the team on, but I never had anything to do with them outside of practice. By our fifth game, school was shut, and I was relieved.
Unfortunately, quarantine had initiated a new wave of self-doubt and a lack of confidence. Two months into the quarantine, I had begun to notice changes in my body. I was not in shape, like I was before. I would be unhealthy all day and be extremely lazy. I was unhappy with the way I was, yet I tried to tell myself that I was perfectly fine and I could get back into shape as soon as I wanted to. I constantly lied to myself, and that pushed me further and further downhill. I wasn’t ready to accept who I had become. I had abrupt mood swings, and I would shut everybody down if they told me to go for a run or exercise because I immediately assumed they were shaming me. My interest in everything was slipping and I was in a difficult situation. Long story short, I wouldn’t go outside and burn off those excess calories and that affected my mental health. It was not until 2 weeks after we moved into our new home, where I gradually worked my way up to become stronger and fitter. Everyday, when I would take a shower, I would recite Gurbani and that made me smile and calm down. Doing that had ensured that I would keep going, because I felt great about myself. Even when I wake up in the morning or when I go to sleep, I close my eyes and remember Waheguru and count the blessings He has given me - an able body, a great family, and a strong mindset. Now, I feel very happy about myself and know that I am slowly getting back into shape.
Many high level athletes face issues like this, and it is usually more serious. In my case, I was worried about making the team the second year and performing up to the standards. For many athletes, those are their greatest fears. I found a YouTube channel run by a former USC Women's Volleyball player, Victoria Garrick. She talks all about body positivity, mental health issues, self love, intuitive eating and other fun things related and unrelated to mental health. She really helped me in a tough time when I was feeling unhappy, doubting myself and if you are going through something similar I would recommend finding someone who will motivate you to keep on doing better. It is always important to recognize how you feel in order to recover from anything and everything. Accept yourself the way you are, and work towards improving that and becoming the best version of yourself. Always keep in mind, everything you do is to make yourself smile and be confident. You are not trying to please anyone or fit into a cookie cutter society has given you. Waheguru has made you one of a kind, and your individuality makes you the way you are. For me, something that makes me happy is working out, and for other people, it might be something else. Thank Waheguru everyday for the amazing gifts he has given you. Do Simran in the morning and night to relax your mind and bring in some more concentration. Focus your attention on something that makes you happy instead of hating or doubting yourself.
Keep Smiling :)
Gunit Kaur, 14, CA
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