Many of us in the SikhTeens sangat have attended Sikh camps across the country. We learn from our virsa (history) and Gurbani, practice gatka to maintain physical strength, and enjoy reconnecting with our sangat. However, it is equally important to maintain mental strength so that we can thrive as a community. Some camps have created a safe space to address unintentionally hurtful behaviors. An example that comes up all too often is when Kaurs are left to take upon unsaid responsibilities that are meant to be shared across all counselors. Not only are Kaurs planning, executing, and leading activities, but they are also the ones staying behind to clean tables after meals, handle impromptu camper conflicts, and put in extra hours to complete tasks during “break” times. Managing all these tasks at once can be both physically and mentally draining. From a sympathetic perspective, a Singh may comment “Wow, you’re doing so much, thank you!” While the sentiment is nice, it does not truly help alleviate the stress or fatigue that the Kaur may be experiencing. An empathy-driven response would acknowledge the situation and then alleviate the load by splitting up the tasks amongst each other. As we near the end of the SikhTeens’ mental health topic this month, let’s dive deeper to understand what the differences are between sympathy and empathy and how it can be applied as a gurmat-centric tool.
We often hear the terms sympathy and empathy used interchangeably, but they could not be more different. Dr. Brené Brown’s video on this comparison effectively illustrates the key differences. Take a few minutes to pause and watch how the cartoons interact. Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, highlights four main elements of empathy: perspective taking, staying out of judgment, recognizing others’ emotions, and communicating emotions. Perspective-taking is not simply “stepping into one’s shoes” but truly understanding their perspective as their truth. Staying out of judgment is a difficult but necessary unlearning process to be free of our preconceived notions and biases. The very first word of the Guru Granth Sahib is Ik Onkar (ੴ). Since we all have jot (ਜੋਤਿ - Divine spirit) inside of us, we are in no place to judge one another. Instead, we should grow alongside our sangat and uplift each other on our journeys to Vaheguru. Sympathy can be more convenient, which is why we tend to utilize it more, but simply saying ‘that sucks’ and diverting topics is ineffective in feeling with the person. The video emphasizes that “Empathy is a choice and it's a vulnerable choice. In order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.” We may not experience the exact physical event that someone has gone through, but we can take action to listen and relate to the emotional journey of their experience. Active listening is more productive and invaluable than giving advice or highlighting the positives. Phrases like “at least” are harmful because the unwarranted feedback can come across as silver-lining, or worse, gaslighting their situation. Giving advice unnecessarily can bring about an emotional toll on yourself as well, thus creating harm to both individuals. Chardi kala is to maintain high spirits, but this cannot occur if we dismiss opportunities to share our emotions openly, without fear of judgment. The video suggests that instead we explicitly mention “I don’t even know what to say. I’m just so glad you told me.” Sometimes just sharing an experience aloud in a safe space can help lift a weight off their shoulders.
Discerning sympathy and empathy removes our veil of ignorance, but to understand the application to our daily lives, we refer to the Sri Guru Granth Sahib:
ਕਬੀਰ ਗਰਬੁ ਨ ਕੀਜੀਐ ਰੰਕੁ ਨ ਹਸੀਐ ਕੋਇ ॥
kabeer garab na keejeeaai ra(n)k na haseeaai koi ||
Kabeer, do not be so proud and do not laugh at the poor.
ਅਜਹੁ ਸੁ ਨਾਉ ਸਮੁੰਦ੍ਰ ਮਹਿ ਕਿਆ ਜਾਨਉ ਕਿਆ ਹੋਇ ॥੩੯॥
ajahu su naau samu(n)dhr meh kiaa jaanau kiaa hoi ||39||
Your boat is still out in the ocean; who knows what will happen? ||39||
In this shabad, Bhagat Kabeer Ji reflects and reminds us: do not be arrogant (ਗਰਬੁ) and do not laugh (ਹਸੀਐ) at those less fortunate (ਰੰਕੁ). There is a difference between arrogant pride (ਗਰਬੁ) and humble confidence stemming from deep love and realization of Vaheguru. Being conscious of this dichotomy can help to hold ourselves and others accountable. Bhagat Kabeer Ji uses the metaphor of the ocean (ਸਮੁੰਦ੍ਰ) to illustrate the incomprehensible vastness of the Universe. In an instant, we could be in the same boat (ਨਾਉ), or situation, as the poor person mentioned in the preceding line. This shabad awakens us to the reality that life is unpredictable and, at any moment, we can also face similar struggles. This does not mean we should live in fear or look down upon others. Rather, empathetic connection and vulnerability requires us to shed our ego, to understand a perspective different than our own. Each human being is unique and when we can appreciate the beauty of creation, we can feel the magnificence and brilliance of the Universe. When you approach a person with empathy, you are letting go of the judgment that ego (ਹਉਮੈ) creates, and making room for active listening, compassion (ਦਇਆ), and genuine connection.
What stops us from shedding our ego and practicing empathy? Perhaps we are afraid of saying the wrong thing or that we might get teased for taking that extra step to help someone we do not know very well. It is important to acknowledge and reflect on these obstacles. You can show empathy in many aspects of your life, such as at home or at school. Let’s say you are discussing test results with your friend:
Your friend: I can't believe I got a C on my test - I'm so stupid. Wow, a C is so bad, I failed my parents and myself. How can I ever be successful when I can't even pass math?
Sympathy-driven response: Don’t worry about it, at least you didn't get an F and there are a few more tests in the semester to bring your grade back.
Empathy-driven response: It's ok to get a C sometimes - I do too, you are not alone in that. I don't think success is measured by grades - it's how you define it. Math can be hard, but it is good that you recognize where you are struggling so that you can learn from it! You are an extremely hard worker. Would you like me to tutor you or connect you with some resources I found helpful?
Empathy can also be viewed as seva, and these opportunities are present every day. Our responsibility is to strive to make those empathetic connections in our daily lives. Through seva, we can connect with Vaheguru and recognize the Oneness within us all, eliciting feelings of love and happiness. This continues the cycle of empathetic actions toward others, but also ourselves. Do you show empathy to yourself? Or do you minimize/ignore your emotions? Negative self-talk can be draining, and it is more difficult to give to others when you are pouring from an empty cup. In order to access the shared emotions that connect us through Ik Onkar (ੴ ), it is important to reflect inwards and recognize there is a multitude of factors affecting our mental health that can disconnect us from our emotions. Realizing the Divine love within us, we can proactively nourish and practice self-care so that we can transform our mental wellbeing and have the capacity to authentically show up for others.
Bhul Chukk Maaf
Authors
Baani Kaur
Baani Kaur, 22, is from the sunny state of Arizona! She currently works in Illinois as a Software Engineer at Optum of UnitedHealth Group on the architecture and design team for clinical product solutions and data services. Baani enjoys camps, retreats, boba tea, thai food, coffee shops, sangat, keertan, health, and nature. She is passionate about learning, connecting, spreading kindness, and empowering others to reach their full potential.
Binti Kaur
Binti Kaur, 19, is a sophomore at Villanova University, with intended majors in Finance & International Business and a minor in Spanish. Growing up in Chicago, she has been involved in the Camp Sikh Virsa community since she was 7 years old. Binti enjoys traveling and exploring new cultures & cuisines, boba trips & movie nights, and spending time with her sangat.
Simarpreet Kaur
Simarpreet Kaur, 23, is from Wisconsin. She is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Madison, majoring in biochemistry, with minors in gender studies and global health. In her free time she enjoys reading, dancing, and spending time in nature (and of course boba). A longtime counselor at Camp Sikh Virsa, she hopes to empower Sikh youth to embrace their identity and become thoughtful leaders in their communities.